The Lord of the Rings An Open Story
by Echo of the Light
Summary: This is an open story i.e. someone writes a few words, then the next person carries on and so forth. The results are, by and large, rather humorous. Still in the process of being finished.


The Lord of the _Rings  
_(a joint story by the pupils of the Kings' School)  


Colour code:  
Steven  
Jenny  
Robert  
Karl  
Adam  
  
This was written, primarily, in the Science and Maths lessons of school as a way to pass the time. It's full of the usual school-boy humour (i.e. innuendos and double-entendres a-plenty) so if you aren't a fan of 'British' humour, or are sickened simply by the mention of the word 'cock', then please do sod off.   
  
Otherwise, read on and enjoy the comedy "MASTERPIECE".  
  
*

Frodo made his way down the bank with Sam close behind. They had been walking for five hours, and were so tired that they decided to rest in a nearby clearing. Frodo lay down with Sam close behind. Frodo, sensing his presence stood up and turned around.  
  
"Sam, I feel hungry. I need something to eat."  
  
"Oh," Sam replied, "Take my baguette."  
  
They then sat down to a conversation.  
  
"Oh Sam... you know what they say about hobbits with big feet."  
  
"Well they don't have big shoes, cos they don't wear them do they?"  
  
Frodo laughed nervously, and edged his foot close to Sam. Sam inspected the furry toes with glee, wiggling his own chubby digits before driving them in Frodo's

"Cavern!" said Frodo, "Look at that Cavern! The opening is almost as big as my door at Bag-End. Let's have a look!"

The cavern was dark and moist. Sam, walking ahead, stumbled over a large mound. On closer inspection he realized it was the corpse of an elf, who had been viciously  
  
"Raped! I think these lands have been raped by evil," said Sam. Frodo replied with:  
  
"Once, my Bilbo was receiving a great deal of attention from me when Aragorn walked in!"  
  
Sam looked upset, and hurt that Frodo would get "attention" from anyone else.  
  
"Then, Frodo continued, "Aragorn drew out his gigantic phallic blade! I gasped in astonishment. It was so sharp and shiny as he swooshed it in front of my face. I stood in awe and wonderment and felt a stirring feeling in my stomach as I wondered what he would do.  
  
"Are you advanced in swordsman techniques?" I asked innocently. He gave me a wry look, unleashed his sword and with a hard but firm grip on my shaman necklace he looked into my eyes.  
  
"Eee! I really like that necklace! Accessories are really in for men this season! Where's it from?"  
  
"Aragorn," I exclaimed, "Your interest in my jewels disturbs me!"  
  
Frodo looked up and saw that Sam was unbuttoning his shirt in order to cool off. He had gotten himself ever so hot standing next to the camp **fire**!  
  
Frodo get himself into an excited state, since the Hobbit football results were being announced on the magical mystical Elvish radio. Frodo loved Kittiwake Gave, his favourite football player, because he had a very nice curve on his balls and could shoot from 100 yards. It was a magnificent feat! Frodo liked to dribble in his presence. Anyway, just at this moment Gandalf materialized, holding his big, gleaming staff in his right hand.  
  
"I come from many many miles away in order to warn you of impending doom! For lo! yesterday I saw the FACE of Saruman at my window. In fact he was right inside my GARDEN trimming the verge. He opened his mouth and spoke to me, *guffaw* well, what else would he do my children?"  
  
Frodo and Sam exchanged a knowing look. Gandalf saw this look and gave a disapproving frown.  
  
"Now my hobbits, I know you two are good friends. You are on a journey to the heart of Morr-dorr! *cue atmospheric music* and you will encounter many terrifying perils such as Shelob. Now Frodo, when did you last have a toss? Was it in Rivendell? I'm sure I heard you flinging the cabers in the back yard of Elrond's House. I know you have been practising for the Hobbit Olympics!"  
  
"Yes!" said Frodo, and gave Sam a small nibble of his Lembas.  
  
"Mmm!" moaned Sam, for the Lembas was good and tasty, just like Frodo's meat that he COOKED in the shire! Just at that moment Gandalf grabbed his staff once again:  
  
"Oh Gandalf," appealed Frodo, "Please no! I remember the last time when you brought your staff near my ring! It quivered and shook and it felt tight yet heavy ... not so painful as uncomfortable. When you had taken your staff away it felt very nice and a sense of contentment spread through my every cell."  
  
"Oh Frodo, Shut it," said Gandalf, "You're such a little ponce at times! I wish you would get a stiffer backbone! Anyway, here are your directions. You must go along the road south towards the Mines of MOria... while there you must delve deep into the old, large caverns of Balin, Lord of Morr-ia."  
  
"Oh Mr Frodo! I've never BEEN THERE before," exclaimed Sam, "I'm not very well travelled and I have no knowledge of the tongues of men. I only know how to use the tongues of hobbits usefully. I know you think I'm stupid but I can do a mean bit of cunnilingus- not that I'm fond of that Mr Frodo, I prefer your rosebuds, and pruning them in the garden of Bag End!"  
  
Anyway, the whole company set out from Elrond's house after they all in turn kissed Elrond's **FOREHEAD **and ate his cack, which was an Elvish bread. And so it was that the Fellowship set out: Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Gimli, Legolas, Aragorn, Boromir and Gandalf. They were all hard ... at thought over the the thoughts of the difficulties they would have to face together. The road stretched long and straight in front of them, just like Legolas' long straight woody arrows. Pippin was most impressed by Boromir's huge cock, which he loved to flaunt around. It would fetch a good price at market in Minas Tirith. At that time Boromir's cock escaped ad ran into the bush of Galadriel - a small wood named after the lady of the wood.  
  
"Och!" said Gimli to Pippin, "Did ya know, lad that I was not born by jumping out of a rock..."  
  
"Look, Gimli, to be quite honest I don't really give a fat shit!" retorted Pippin, "You're such a hairy little..."

Just then, quick as a flash from Morr-dorr Gimli pinned Pippin against the wall and pressed his AXE! into him. Aragorn whipped out his epée and shouted:  
  
"Unhand him! No-one may toss a Dwarf, but if a Dwarf wants to toss a Hobbit he should do it privately."  
  
With that, I went onto a new piece of paper. Like so...  
  
But their conversation soon moved round to the matter of Frodo's inspiration that came to him regularly. Sam often gave a helping hand to Frodo, but fought desperately with his emotions; Sam wanted so badly to put his finger into Frodo's ring but sensed that he could not. Sam knew that the desire to put his fingers into Frodo's ring was immoral, for he was told so by his mother when he reported seeing Pippin placing his finger into Merry's ring. Anyway, the scenery was bracing - a backdrop of rocky mountains framed the little hobbits. The long and winding road (tee hee) ran down betwixt the valley of Gadariel. There was a huge cleavage in the rock face to the East. Gandalf said it had been caused when the Giant Rigg had ripped apart his big rocks after getting Angry when his bride, Joycemarshiel, had refused to give him her chicken and chips.   
  
The merry commune picked its way along the road. Over the pass they surveyed the scene before them. In the foreground was a grassy knoll, and upon it sat a heavily made-up olliphant. She was huge, and upon her tusks hung some stringy bits of seamen. She had their blood around her mouth and Sam gasps at the sight of her huge trunk. It was bigger than Frodo's! WHO HAD A NOSE JOB IN THE PREVIOUS YEAR! Before which he used to look somewhat like Barbarawise Streissand-Underschnoz. Rhinoplasty had given Frodo a new lease of life, and he did not stop there with his Hobbit-cosmetic surgery. Because he was one of the few Hobbit men to shave their feet he was often called a woofter. His very close relationship with Sam did not help matters. When saw the size of the olliphants udders he felt a longing inside him. But he suppressed it.  
  
The olliphant moved aggressively toward the group, and Frodo's ring began to slip itself around his finger.  
  
"No!" cried Gandalf the Gay ... er ... Grey ... and Frodo withdrew his finger. Gandalf drew out his SWORD! as did Boromir and Aragorn and all three men began to beat off the olliphant, paying special attention to the very sensitive end of its trunk. After a while the olliphant sprayed stringy bits of its seaman at the men and ran into the wilderness with a serene and satisfied look forever on its face.  
  
It was soon nightfall, and the men decided to camp it up at a pleasant spot along the road. Pippin and Legolas entertained the group by leading them in a group game of "Follow the Lembas" which everyone but Gimli enjoyed. They all slept separately, except Frodo and Gandalf who slept in each others colostomy bags. The smell was intense and Sam cried himself to sleep.  
  
Twas the middle of the night, and Boromir woke with a morning bump beneath his covering. He lifted the sheet - and lo! It was Frodo giving him fellatio ... although in the way we know it. What Boromir did not know was that a large spider had bitten him on the knob-end and Frodo was sucking out the venom of his big bell end! Boromir lay back and soon his venom had squirted all over Frodo's twink-like fresh little hobbit face. Gandalf by this time had been aroused FROM HIS SLEEP! by a disturbing dream. He had dreamt of six figures draped in odd and unnatural positions. And they had whispered to him in a rasping voice:  
  
_"Pop, six, squish, ah-ah, ciccero, lipshitz..."  
  
_How odd, thought Gandalf, that such a vision of camp women in fishnets should trouble one so gay ... I mean grey (again). Anyway, seeing the Frodo-Boromir action he was on hand and produced his little digicam to capture the moment. Outside the camp there was much neighing and whinnying. The group drew their respective weapons ... long and hard ... and looked out ... there was Gimli mounting the horses Assbandit and Shadowfaxmachine.  
  
A cry of shock rippled through the company - for Gimli had a look of intense hatred upon his face. The horses bucked and Gimli was left on his arsed amid the tundra. An aura of fading pleasure seemed to surround him. Gandalf whistled and Shadowfaxmachine approached.  
  
"This is Shadowfaxmachine, my Italian stallion," he explained, and the horse whined as he gave a big long sloppy lick to Gandalf's toned and rippling torso. Gandalf moaned ON! because he was allergic to the bodily fluids of horses. The Italian stallion gave each of the company a brooding, sultry look and proceeded to get an erection. Aragorn shielded the young Hobbit's eyes from this horrific sight. Soon, however, the Italian stallion lost interest and wandered off to eat some cock, which Pippin had just finished cooking.  
  
All the company eat their cock heartily and even sucked the last bits of juice out the bone(r)s. The hot hairy muscle studs (Aragorn, Boromir and Gandalf) laid bit in masculine contentment while the twinky ones (the Hobbits) cleared them up. Legolas and Gimli had some tête-à-tête in the bushes.  
  
By now it was morning, and the sky was tinted "the prettiest pink colour" Legolas had ever seen. Like Galadriels lips. No, the others ones.  
  
  



End file.
